I don’t miss you anymore.
I don’t think of you either. It’s a conscious effort, of “not thinking”, every time you come into my thoughts. I say STOP. And I stop. Midway into a memory, half-smiling, (cause that’s how all your thoughts make me feel) and Jesus, the happiest memories are the hardest to forget! I wish you had left me with a scar instead. Not been so nice..So absolutely nice…But like the first time, when I fell in love and the man of my dreams left me for that other woman, and the strain of my tears hit the cold hard ground till they rose like mist, and I with it… The shock of betrayal and force of hatred channelled through every vein in my body. He had wronged me. And I rose from my ashes with twice the impetus from my dying self. But you, you who loved me true. How do I get over you? The phantom scars of your words haunt me still and I spend my nights with the incessant flow of ‘what if’s. Craving dreams like air. I gasp. For I have stopped myself from thinking about you all day. My friends are not to mention your name. And you are not to talk to me ever again. It’s all sorted. Nicely chocked out. Now, all I have to do is to forget you.
Like you never happened.
Like you were a dream.
I travel inside the labyrinths of my mind and lock you up in the darkest cell. So you cannot escape. And all through the day you lay just still. And even if in floating visions, past memories arise, I rub them off my eyes like sleep. “I am not to think of you”. Not anymore, I repeat.
“It’s a conscious effort, of ‘not thinking’ every time you come into my thoughts. I say STOP. And I stop.” I stop mid way and drift into work. I’m too busy to have thoughts about you.
But now at night, when the moon hangs over my balcony and the starlight comes in magic trails through my bedroom window, I dream of you. Half-awake, half-asleep, I conjure up visions, imaginary scenes and roleplays of what it would be like, if you were here with me.
The wind in my hair, the chill of the night setting in, I wonder if you’d sense my feeling cold and knowingly wrap an arm around me? And I’d pull the blanket closer, and tilt my head just right till I fit snugly inside the frame you have gently cast beside. I don’t stop myself from thinking. But it’s not exactly you who I see. Or the other guy, who ditched me. Jeez! Why on earth would it be he?! You see, this is why we can’t be together. This is why I can’t be yours. For my head is too full of fantasies and fictions yet untold. I read somewhere about “midnight sadness”, and I know that you are mine. But I know I would have taken the leap, if I had loved you right! I fell in love with the idea of you but you fell for me instead. And there’s no way out of this, oh god I’m such a mess! I tell you I’m a silly girl. I tell you not to waste your time. For I’m not the one who falls in love. My heart is a box of ice. But you wait right there, unrelenting. Deaf to every single word I say. And I don’t know what to do with you or how to drive you away!
In a different reality,
If I were to meet you again,
I hope I’d be brave enough this time,
To know how to jump right in.